BE QUIET ON TRAINS

Telephone conversations on trains should be punishable by death. I have been told I can be melodramatic at times. Can’t see it myself.

Okay, I suppose some conversations are acceptable provided they fulfil the following criteria:

 Speak quietly. If I can hear you while I’m listening to music, you’re too loud.

 Shorter than two minutes. Why do you need to talk to anyone for longer than that? Talk to them in your own home you bloody fiend.

 The call is necessary. Telling your mate Dave you had a lovely pint today and that it was your first in twenty-four days isn’t relevant (I actually heard somebody tell Dave this. Fuming). Even if it is relevant it can wait.

Read a book, write a passive aggressive future blog post, listen to some music or partake in the most considerate of pastimes: sleep. The people that sleep on trains are my favourite - I’ve yet to come across a snorer - watch them drool, catch flies and wake up in a panic. Gold.

I saw a guy roll a spliff on a train recently. He had all his gear spread across three seats, all nonchalant as if he was baking in a kitchen. Once he’d finished he tidied up and got off, spliff in mouth. He could’ve started smoking it and I’d have been less irritated than if he had spoken on the phone.

While I agree Southeastern have many issues that need fixing (make the train get to the station at the right time!) anti-social train conversations must surely be allowed to queue jump. I’d like to see silent carriages introduced. Preferably the front seven coaches silent with the eighth, and last, coach a haven for noisy folk. That carriage can then be detached and derailed en route.