Alternative Marital Advice
David realised from a young age that his calling in life was as a relationship healer and has saved over three hundred marriages.
His methods are alternative and revolutionary but his results speak for themselves. He has kindly agreed to write a guest blog post.
Introduction
Long marriages are built on a foundation of lies, infidelity and secrets. These three ingredients are crucial to every marriage that has lasted more than two decades.
Ask your parents, if they’re still together, but not while they’re together.
Remember the following three rules.
Holy Trinity Rule #1
The humble lie is an absolute cornerstone of every successful long term marriage.
Take the example of a woman’s weight. A woman will often ask her husband if he thinks her fat. Under no circumstance is the husband to tell the truth. Rather he must reply with abject horror at the very thought.
For the wife’s equivalent see page 38 of the soon-to-be-released book: ‘Yes it’s above average.’
Holy Trinity Rule #2
Every successful marriage features a period of infidelity.
In fact the remedy for a failing relationship is often for both husband and wife to enter into affairs (of unprescribed length) with the objective to realise the grass isn’t greener.
Usually this is realised by the man through a disdain of having to buy gifts in order to have sexual relations (see Alan Rickman in Love Actually) and by the woman through the frustration of having to shave her legs and other body parts regularly and having to hold in farts.
Holy Trinity Rules #3
A marriage cannot be truly successful without keeping secrets.
Divorced relationship gurus will often claim secrets create a distance between husband and wife and that sharing them with one another will create a stronger bond.
This is complete nonsense – the key is to maintain a healthy number of secrets, no fewer than seven at any one time, which can range from playing golf while pretending to work on a weekend to buying inordinately expensive shoes while claiming to have got an incredible deal.
Newlyweds
Naïve young couples and newlyweds often reject this advice, claiming their “love for each other” will keep them together. The honeymoon period is a much-studied period of time which inevitably fizzles out after an average of two and a half years.
There is an outstanding challenge specifically for these couples to come back to me still happily married after a dozen years of marriage.
Entry costs £50 and the prize of a week on a remote island for two in the Pacific has yet to be claimed.
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