Anoraks Rejoice: Southeastern Performance Review

Last month I wrote a blog entry detailing a particularly bad day in which a Southeastern employee told me I'd be better off getting the bus. If you enjoyed that, you'll likely enjoy this. If you still shiver when you think back to that blog post, I strongly advise you to look elsewhere.

I can't tell you how excited I have been to post this article. I have logged the lateness of my trains on a daily basis and, up until a few days ago, I was ready to go. Unfortunately, I suspect Southeastern hired hackers to take my computer down, leaving me no choice other than the dreaded "System Restore". So, rather than my excellently colour-coded spreadsheet (the beginnings of which can be seen in the previous entry), you'll have to take my word for Southeastern's tardiness.

Alongside the daily entries of exactly how late my trains were, I created a formula to produce a running average of all journeys entered. The last time I checked, at the beginning of this week, the average journey was more than six minutes late. Being the reasonable man I am, and at a time of year so close to my heart, I have decided to round the average lateness down to six minutes per journey. (This may or may not have anything to do with how much easier this makes the calculations.)

Now for the fun part: exactly how late was I over the course of this month? First, my train ticket ran from 15 November to 14 December inclusive, a total of 22 working days. I know that on two occasions I only got the train to Greenwich, and not home.

22 * 2 = 44. 44 - 2 = 42 #quickmaths

I absolutely did not intend for the number 42 (read: Douglas Adams) to appear in this blog post but I am very glad it has. Arthur Dent would love writing to the company that provide his late train service.

Stop with the suspense! I hear you cry, just how often were you late, Sam?

Lily. After all this time?

To answer the question: everyday bar one. Southeastern achieved one "perfect" day in which the train arrived in Greenwich, and Greenhithe on time (read: my on time, not Southeastern's inappropriate use of a time phrase to distort statistics - see also the Government redefining poverty). And when I say perfect, I mean doing what they're supposed to. What I, and literally every other user, pays them to do. I can't recall exactly but I think around a quarter of my trains were on time, or what Southeastern call "Real Time".

42 journeys with an average delay of six minutes: 42 * 6 = 252 minutes, or four hours and 12 minutes worth of delay. That's almost enough time to watch both Deathly Hallows films (276 minutes).

Now, I paid £148.30 for the privilege of travelling from Greenhithe to Greenwich for a month. I have received £3.50 from Delay Repay and just yesterday I was awarded £3.80 for being over an hour late home on Monday (train was cancelled, lol).

In total I was reimbursed £7.30 from a large clenched fist as big as I, with each finger needing to be prized away from the palm like arms of a trebuchet.

£141 then was the cost of my train travel for a month. Over 21 return journeys I suppose it isn't that bad, costing less than £7 per day. A journey should take 34 minutes on peak (no changes) and 39 minutes off peak (stopover at Charlton). An average delay of six minutes, then, is quite a bit more significant than perhaps it sounds: 16.5%, or roughly one-sixth of the journey. Extrapolated to an hour long journey, that's ten minutes, which I feel is taking the piss.

I wouldn't mind, in fact I'd be quite content, if each train delay was automatically refunded. E.g. If my hour-long commute is ten minutes late I'm awarded one-sixth of my fare by direct bank transfer, with no form needed to be filled out. (I saw on Facebook a friend received this from Virgin Trains for a long journey though I wasn't nosy/brave enough to ask for full details.)

In that scenario I would quite happily stand in the freezing cold waiting for a train that may or may not show up/stop at my station (that actually happened) safe in the knowledge that for every minute it was late, the cost of my fare reduced. In fact, I'd probably go as far as to delay the train myself. Yeah, I don't think that would work, would it?

NB: I should add that the covering image of this article isn't mine and I use it for artistic purposes only. Southeastern really are that bad, though.